5.30.2019 it didn’t win.
the evening of my graduation ceremony i did not want to leave my mom’s side. as a virtual school, we vaguely know each other. we MAYBE know the sound of one another’s voices, that is as if we have ever spoken on our mics during our virtual live classes. for some of us, we only knew the names of one another as we received notifications that we joined the class session, or left it. i only knew a few of these people from a school event over a year before my graduation. knowing hardly no one on my grad night made me anxious and feeling lost. i was exhausted, i didn’t want to be there, and i felt like my entire world was falling apart- which was so tragic, because this was a moment that, for so many around me, was an experience that so seamlessly made their world fall even more into place.
so, feeling alone and terrified, my mind tried to back out and leave, but the smallest parts of me wanted to stay and celebrate this moment by walking across the stage. because for me, high school was hell (to say the least.. *and don’t get your panties all up in a bunch, hell is a place.*) it was the time of my life that was SUPPOSED to be the time of my life !!! but nonetheless, it consisted of the most grueling moments of my life thus far. juggling with death on teeter-totters and tightropes, for months and months inside of my head, through manic stages, anxiety attacks (that might as well have been endless), and paranoia that felt so real that it took every last living part of me and my life that i had salvaged from the wreckage that anxiety, O.C.D, P.T.S.D, paranoia, mania, depression, hallucinations and delusions, psychological reactions to medications and treatments, etcetera, etcetera, etc.,… i was so sick. an outbreak of horrifying things created by my own mind that were so grotesque, things that were so severe, that my blood became the wind that adrenaline poisoned and blew terror through- like a dandelion stripped of everything it used to be—
graduation was a milestone, of course, especially after being hit with such illnesses. but it was also difficult, hard, and so uncomfortable, because it was a rush of reminders of everything that fell apart and went down at my previous public high school. that night felt more like me receiving the diploma and certificate of authenticity of living proof of surviving the darkest time of my life.. it was the day that i thought, for countless months on end, that i would never see. it was the moment in which i once thought i knew i would never know, because once upon a dark time i thought that i couldn’t take the pain that i felt any longer. it was the night that was pushed aside and stored away along with all of my other hopes, dreams, and aspirations that once felt like ransoms i would never (EVER) be able to pay for.
so here’s to the silver linings salvaged from something that seemed next to nothing. here’s to my story. my life. my ‘high school career.’ here’s to my past.
but above all, here is to the new girl, with the name of the old girl, that we all once knew. here’s to the point in which the old girl disappeared, and left everyone with questions of why she went where she went, and why she did the strange things she did- here’s to the girl who disappeared:
my sophomore year of high school i was diagnosed with multiple severe anxiety disorders that flipped my entire life around and turned it completely upside down. i was afraid of everything- from breathing to pieces of paper, to eating, walking, and talking. the most simplest of things. my life took a nosedive i didn’t have time to rehearse for, and faster than i could try and do anything to stay afloat, a monster moved inside of me and into my life. i was unrecognizable. i eventually stopped talking and only said about 7 words. i cried and i cried and my body shook because it was in constant horror of the unknown. this wasn’t just a panic attack, or the good ole anxiety you hear about every day. this was my body under attack, held against its own pleas and advances, forced into a living hell, where i was no where near fit for survival. there came a time when i couldn’t take it anymore and i promised my body that i wouldn’t make it suffer any longer. i wanted to die. but, i couldn’t. no matter how badly i wanted to cut myself off from this world i couldn’t because i was terrified of the unknown. what if it didn’t work? what if i woke up in the hospital with people angry at me? a tube down my throat? permanent brain damage? my stomach pumped? blood all over the people’s hands who had to sacrifice a night of their life to save a girl’s life? my mind was held hostage, and there was no escaping the torment. i tried to kill myself but it didn’t work. i woke back up, and that’s when i realized that i was too afraid of everything..too afraid to die. and that was the center of it all. i was forced to stay alive inside of a body that wanted so badly to just go. i was forced to lay in bed shaking, quaking as my mom tried to calm me down. but i couldn’t calm down. fight or flight was triggered at the sight of light. i was alive but i wasn’t living. i was breathing but i didn’t want to. i was isabelle, but the person inside of me had been evicted by anxiety and paranoia, with only the remnants of a dead girl, who’s life had been completely robbed. i was 1% girl, 99% anxiety.
i don’t talk about this because it’s hard. it’s hard to say that there were days of my life that i sat up crying, prying at my skin and begging God to MAKE IT ALL STOP. but He didn’t, and i realized that there was a world full of people who some, mathematically proven, felt the exact pain i felt. and there were people who’s lives had been taken from them too soon, too early, for reasons they had no control over. yet i still had a choice. no matter how hard things got, no matter the words “I CAN’T” that were carved into my left thigh, no matter the days i spent curled into fetal position on the ground holding myself bracing for the impact of the next anxiety attack.. and this was horror. it was the most gruesome, horrifying, brutal, and painful death that i know i will ever experience. losing the girl who i grew for 16 years was hard news. losing her meant relearning everything. it meant a new life. it meant starting over. it meant never being the same. it meant having hellish days. and at the time, it so painfully meant that i could no longer go to a public school, and that i would have to remain in my high school years at home in front of a computer screen. i had to continue school virtually because leaving the house was a death sentence in more ways than just one. in more ways than i was even conscious of. so every second of every day from those moments, i have fought so hard to win back my home that is MY BODY. the monster is still here and it is well within me, but i, am winning. and i continue to win, day after day, and i will never stop, because even after losing so much of myself and landing on something so dark that i had to look up just to see rock bottom, even after all of this..after losing my life to a mental illness, i made it. i walked across a stage today and showed my anxiety that it STILL didn’t have custody of me. and it won’t ever.
i have come so far and learned so much. i love life with a greater purpose and passion. i know more of myself than i ever thought was possible. i have fought through the darkest of times and fallen hard, and carried myself out from the nightmarish reality back into life. i have this blog that i dedicate to spreading the awareness of mental health, and to hopefully reach those who need to know that they are not alone in this fight. through my pain i have been given so much life. through the silent and slow death of myself i have been given a beautiful blessing. and though it is hard, oh so incomprehensibly hard...and i still struggle on a daily basis, it is possible. i am still here.
it didn’t win.
i won.
so here’s to the “Graduating Class of ‘I Made It.’”
i did it, and i will keep doing it, and i will spend my entire life with the goal of carrying those home who think that they have lost themselves.
because we didn’t lose ourselves. we brought ourselves this far, so how much farther can we go?
i am forever grateful for my school that took me in, helped me continue my education, for the teachers who were so compassionate and understanding- even though they knew nothing of what it was like to live with a mind like mine. and for my fight, i am eternally grateful. here’s to living and healing.
i love you guys
and no matter what you go through, it is NOT the end of the road. we are not abandoned cars stalled out on some highway. and if in some way we are, we only got out to walk and get gas. YOU, can do this. together, we create a legion. as people, we fight. and as we fight, we conquer death even on our worst days. so if we stand with one another, the world will begin to change. follow my journey and subscribe to this blog for new post announcements that will be sent out weekly. i believe in you and all that you are, even if you feel that you are not much inside of this busy world. because to me, you are the whole entire freaking world. and i am determined to live my life in a way that you will know that you, are indeed, the whole world, in one beautiful being