for 6 months I rocked
back and fourth
back and fourth
back and fourth
and I tapped
tapped
tapped
tapped
tapped
I repeated
7
17
okay
oh my
and no
without saying any other words
or formulating a sentence
for 6 months
my family tried to track down my voice
but no one could find it.
I have always thought that the reason behind my voice leaving
was because there was too much going on inside my mind
for my brain to handle-
so it simplified everything into 6 words
6 words
6 words that became the most effective safety mechanism
during the war between the brain and the blood.
this was home
because
something about
7
7
7
7
7
7
7
7
7
was so comforting against the chaotic waves in my mind
for 6 months
these 6 words
were my safety and my closest attempts to calm.
but
however
there did come a day
when the repetition and the simplification
were no longer needed
and my voice returned
planting flowers in my lungs
and laying poems on my tongue.
when my voice came back
everyone thought that I was back
too-
but I wasn’t completely back
my mind is still relearning how to walk along my broken road
so the bumps and bends come in waves
knocking me off course
and knocking me back on
but I can’t always guarantee a safe ride home
or even a return home
on this broken road;
so that’s what the challenge is now.
how do you tell someone that you are still suffering
when the only manifestation of struggle is within you
its not something that they can see anymore
it is hiding
its back into hiding
its back to playing the great game of hide and never seek
giving me the painful job
to convince you that as well as I seem
I am still breaking at my seams
I am weak
and you’re right,
my voice is back
and the shaking isn’t a scary thing anymore
but consider for a moment
the shaking inside my bones
and my mind
my heart
my stomach
my brain
my emotions
and me-
don’t you think that my body is still startled on the inside?
not completely still?
still trying to find perfect rhythm
still lost
still running
don’t you suppose that this is possible
and don’t you suppose that I am still
very exhausted
very scared
and very much the same illness you saw months ago?
it’s just that this is the part where you can’t see
all the anxiety that is relentlessly running marathons through me
you just see a very lazy
very absent
and very excuse filled girl
glued to her bed
and the feeling of the dark
but
she is still the host to a monster
she is still very sick
I am still fighting this monster
and I am still very ill
but need I repeat this again-
this is the great game of hide and never seek.
the doctor is looking through me saying
“the therapy is working
the medications are a match
and the progress is incredible,
I do not see any reason to further the investigation
of your daughter’s mind
because she looks great
she looks fine
she seems good
she acts okay
everything seems right
it all looks great.
see you in 3 months.”
doctor
doctor
doctor
please
please
please
don’t give up on me
it’s still here
its living inside of me
you just can’t see it anymore
are you listening to me?
you can’t see this anymore
I don’t know how you expect me to show you but I expect you to believe me
just like you did a year ago when I paced your office like the walking definition of anxiety
I told you
this is the great game of hide and never seek
no longer seek
not able to seek
you can’t seek
you can’t see
because
the monster is in hiding-
so I don’t know if 1 at morning and 1 at night
2 tomorrow and 2 tonight
maybe this time we will get it right-
I don’t know if that is working.
I don’t know
how your cocktail of candy pills
can drive a monster stuck like malice
outside of the home that it has made inside of me
don’t you need to scrape it out
don’t you need to excavate
don’t you need to cut me deep
to get this out of me?
oh
wait
silly me
you can’t see it
so to you this isn’t real
and I am just another statistic falling slowly from the sky onto the cold ground-
lifeless.
ilc